Plumbing in the desert

Here's a recent phone conversation I had with the property maintenance manager for our villa:

ME:  Good morning, J.  This is (name deleted to protect my anonymity) at the (villa location deleted to protect my physical well-being).  I have a question for you.

J:  Ok Ok no problem

ME:  I bought new mixer tap for kitchen sink.  Do you have person who can take out old mixer tap and put new one? (notice the lack of articles -- this is what my speech has degraded to in the past month and a half)

J:  Mixer tap not working?

ME:  No, mixer tap working fine.  But mixer tap old and dirty and I don't like it.

J:  Bank not pay for new mixer tap if old mixer tap working.

ME:  That is ok.  I don't want bank to pay for new mixer tap.  I HAVE new mixer tap.  I need workman to install new mixer tap because I don't have plumbing tools.  And when I leave villa, I will get workman to take away new mixer tap and put old dirty one back (translation:  Don't f&^* with me.)

J:  Ok Ok no problem.  You want new mixer tap?  We go purchase new mixer tap and you pay.

ME:  NO.  I ALREADY PURCHASE NEW MIXER TAP.  I need workman to take away old mixer tap and put new one in.

J:  You need to purchase new mixer tap.  Bank not paying.

ME:  OK, J, listen carefully.  Yesterday I go store and purchase new mixer tap.  New mixer tap here in villa.  In box.  (I shake box to produce audible proof of presence of new mixer tap.)

J:  Oh you have new mixer tap?

ME:  YES!!!!!!!

J:  Ok Ok no problem

ME:  But I need someone to INSTALL it (by this time I could have replaced every tap in the bloody villa).

J:  Ok Ok I send someone over to fix.

ME:  When?

J:  Ok Ok when you at villa?

ME:  This afternoon.

J:  Workman coming four o'clock.

ME:  Very good.  I will be here at four o'clock.

J:  Workman coming four, maybe five o'clock.

ME:  Ok, thank you.

Welcome to my life.